answers sometimes come before the questions
I often think that I will make life altering decisions when I go away on vacation but usually come back without having made any concrete decisions on anything that I originally intended. Somehow I find myself more in the moment when I'm on holiday and allow the problems, decisions, indecision's and worries to recede from my conscious thinking process. In many ways, it is like a meditation as I let the day to day thoughts, the day to day voices in my head go to some sort of quiet state of unconsciousness. This could be my way of avoiding things too. I'm not absolutely sure this time, but it seems possible that I had more stuff rolling around in my head than usual (yes, I know there is lots of extra space for it) and needed to spend a couple of weeks in which the day's most important decision was where to have dinner. Having said that, I have noticed some changes percolating through the tan as I try to move my brain into "real life" mode. One of the biggest things that has popped up is defining "real life." The lines seem to continue to blur between work, home, vacation, retirement, family, wanna do's, hafta do's, can't do's and honey do's. But the definition of real life is beginning to morph into doing only the things that I really want to do. My attitude towards people is beginning to follow a similar pattern as I find that I prefer to spend time with people who support my life, not necessarily agree with me but are at least interested enough to ask and listen.
This attitude is very rapidly spilling over to business relationships as I become much less tolerant of poor or indifferent service. I'm beginning to vote with my feet as I move certain areas of my business life to new companies who express the wish to create partnerships and place value on what I bring to the table. There is a certain selfishness creeping in but when I realize that I have more birthdays behind me than in front of me, I find that my time is becoming more valuable and more precious. There is a lot left undone, unwritten, undiscovered, unexplored and unexperienced and I am coming to realize that the only one who will know, let alone care, is me. Notwithstanding the protestations of love and friendship, I look around and find that in the final analysis, the legacy we leave is completely up to us as individuals and if we don't care enough to fulfill our own dreams, no one else can or will do it for us.
Sitting on a beach in Hawaii inspires me to think that real life is represented by the sound of the waves rolling into shore and that I should spend more time in natural settings drinking in the smells, sights and sounds. It's easy to shun the responsibilities of commerce, child rearing, taxes and the millions of other distractions for a short time but the business of living life is always there, just below the surface, begging to be let out to play. Ilsa, my favourite personal trainer, helped me gain enough strength and agility to find balance on a surfboard, now I get to stretch a little further to find a new balance point on a higher wave. The questions I thought needed answering still await, but perhaps from a new viewpoint, a vantage point built on knowing and doing what is best for me. Maybe there was more going on than just creating that new Olympic sport - power tanning.